i'm finally back! funny, i manage to read several blogs daily, but i can't seem to keep up with my own. i wonder if i'll ever get to the point of blogging every day or have the kind of blog that actually has readers. i was reading my absolute, most favourite blog today, "dooce", and marveling at the amount of time she must spend typing away. i guess for some people it's a way to relax or unwind, or clear their heads, but for me it still seems like a chore. kind of like going to the gym. i want to, i mean i want to be the kind of person who likes to write, but i somehow rarely get around to it and have a strange ability to find a million other things i'd rather be doing. but really, i for some reason like the idea of having a place to say whatever i want, so i am trying to get myself in the habit. so far, not so good, but i guess only time will tell.

i'm feeling in such a rut lately. not in an i'm-depressed-can't-get-out-of-bed kind of way; more of a where-is-my-life-going sort of way. you know how when you're little, you think you'll be a rock star, or a famous actor, or a doctor, or cyndi lauper? well, maybe it was just me who aspired to be cyndi lauper, but that aside, most kids imagine themselves growing up to be something really exciting and important. and also living somewhere far away and exotic. i think most kids feel like this, anyway. i did. and now, living in regina, trying to get a teaching job, married to my husband (who is quite wonderful), it's not that i'm dissatisfied, i just wonder if this is it. i think i'd be happy and live a fulfilled life if it is, but i just never quite seem to have that sense of being and doing exactly what i'm meant to. okay, it sounds like i'm unhappy, or negative, or ungrateful, but that's really not the case. i just want to know for sure. it's not like i think that most people don't have any questions or anything. i don't know. like i said, it's a rut. this too will pass. hopefully.

well, so much for my blog...i haven't posted since june! good thing no one reads this, i guess.

so why am i blogging now? i just "googled" myself (not sure why...) and along with a link to this blog, i was surprised to see a link to my grampa's obit. via the website of the funeral home where we had his funeral. i clicked on it, and there was a picture of grampa, with a little smile on his face, his eyes peeking over his glasses. i miss him sooooo much. 

i remember coming home from work the evening he died, not having heard the news yet. kelly met me at the door, and had this strange, sad look on his face. i immediately knew what was wrong. i either said, "no", or "grampa"...i can't remember, and kelly just looked at me with this scared look in his eyes. i fell to the floor and cried and cried. i must have stayed there for over an hour, still wearing my winter coat and my shoes. all i could think about were my grampa's soft hands, and how i just wanted to be able to hold them again. or hear his voice. i just couldn't believe i'd never see him again. that night, long after kelly had gone to bed, i sat in the living room listening over and over again to songs that reminded me of my grampa. i closed my eyes and remembered what he smelled like, the feel of his scratchy wool sweaters against my cheek...

i wondered if he would "visit" me... i'm not sure what i think about ghosts or any of that, but i just hoped i'd at least have a sense of his "energy" being present or something. i don't know. i've heard of so many people who have "seen" their loved ones after they died, or felt a sudden presence and known their loved one was with them. by "with them" i mean physically with them. not just in memory, but a feeling of that person being right beside them or in the same room. i don't know... when this didn't happen, i began wishing i'd dream about him, so i could again have the feeling of being with him. every morning i'd wake up disappointed...no grampa dream. 

well, it's been almost ten months since my grampa died (hard to believe). still no visits, but i have had a few dreams (all of which i've had in the last month...weird.). the dreams haven't exactly been the reunited with grampa, meaningful conversation dreams i'd hoped for. instead, they've been extremely bizarre (one involved my sister and i dragging grampa around a la "weekend at bernie's", although grampa was alive, just very, very tired...so strange). oddly enough, the dreams are still comforting, lol. i still miss my grampa sooooo much, but i'm no longer desperate to have more time with him. i can now look back on our times together without feeling incredibly sad that those times are over. i can remember all of the things that made him such a wonderful grampa. i don't need new experiences with him to feel that our time together was complete or enough. of course i still wish he was alive, but i'm not looking for MORE of him. i was blessed to have the time with him that i did. i don't need one more second with him to feel so incredibly lucky to be his granddaughter and thankful to him for all that he was and all that he did. 

Love you, Grampa...

okay, so here's my first post. i really should be cleaning up the kitchen, since kelly is hard at work mowing he lawn. it only seems fair that i should do a little work too, don't ya think?? so all i'll say for now is hello and welcome to my blog. let's see if i keep it up...